English as she is spoke and writ in 2015

When I was at school with Noah we were taught that we must never use two times unless we were referring to the two times table. There was a very special English word that could express that concept concisely. The wonderful word twice. The word thrice was cursorily mentioned but we were warned that it seemed to be going out of fashion so we were allowed to use three times instead.

This was drummed into me from an early age. Old habits die hard so you can see me – any day of the week – cringing in my chair as it seems that TV ads have been specifically devised to drive me over the edge.

"Use toothpaste x and it will clean your teeth two times better than toothpaste b" (15 words)

"Cleaner A cleans surfaces two times faster than cleaner B" (10 words)

Okay so how about:

"Teeth cleaned with toothpaste x will be twice as clean as those cleaned with toothpaste B" (16 words but better expression)

"Cleaner A cleans surfaces twice as fast as cleaner B" (10 words but…..)

And just as a matter of interest why can't my cleaner get rid of 0.1% of known germs? And I wonder how many unknown germs there are.

Alright let's get off the numbers.

American bashing here I come.

"I told her to get off of me." (8 words)

"I told her to get off me." (7 words)

What is the purpose of the word of?

"We are gonna go to the house" (7 words)

"We are going to the house" (6 words)

What is the purpose of gonna go?

I am still cringing with bad American writing.

America can rest uneasily for a bit. I'll be back

We are trying to educate children. There are 26 letters in the English (and American) alphabet – 5 of which are true vowels. Vowels have been banished to some unknown place. I would like some volunteers to get them back.

1 rly mss ths frndly crtrs. Thy md rdng smpl. Pls cm bk 1 nd u. (Ah ha! two have returned but for how long?)

Mother Grundy here once objected to a post in a group that was trying to keep the arts alive. A member made a statement with minimal vowels and I requested a few more vowels to be used in the postings. Needless to say it was ignored.

And lastly using the #justsaying is superfluous. The words that have been written or spoken did convey the message that you were expressing an opinion.

But don't worry – I still love each and every one of my readers even if I can't make head or tail of what you are trying to say. I am just astonished that loads of money has gone into educating you to forget your vowels.

My hat goes off to one 15 year old young man who admonished one of his friends for writing messages without using proper English. Well done Alex.